Right after I came home from the exam, the first thing I grabbed was my japanese exercises notebook. I didn't care about the computer, I didn't care about my mobile, and even arrived late to an important meeting. As the days go by, I find my urge to learn japanese to be more and more painful. To explain what caused that, I have to start telling something which is not really idol-related, sorry >_<
Well today in my exam, we kind of had to write a letter in one of the topics. I have just NO idea why (maybe because that's what I had in mind last night before falling asleep?), but all I could think about was my letters to Sae and Sayaka. After a while, the exam was barely existing for me there, all I could feel was an overflowing sorrow realizing I probably wouldn't be able to learn japanese fast enough in order to send a single letter by my own to my beloved oshimen.
I've been offered help for this kind of thing, which I trully appreciate and will end up using, but... That feeling of writting those words by your own, that extra effort that adds such a special glitter to the feelings that are meant to be transmitted through that fanletter, it's just... I don't know. I know I shouldn't agonize because of this (and I specially shouldn't have such an unhealthy main goal behind the whole learning japanese thing), but...
... It made me cry. In the middle of an exam. It was awkward, I felt the pressure and the looks, but I just couldn't avoid it. I never thought conveying my words to two persons that I have never, ever met in my whole life before, could mean so much to me. They do. Lately, in a very painful way.
Either before falling asleep, as I wake up in the morning, or in a random moment during the day, I often ask myself if such a dedication to idol personas is really healthy for a 17 years old. Being hurt so much with the huge fear of not being able to travel to Japan on time to see them before they graduate. Having a heartache just by the simple fact of not being able to properly convey my own words to a piece of paper for them. Once again, I end up asking myself,
"Why is my love and obcession so big for two human beings I don't even know?"
and then I realize I just need to open a page from stage48, stalk a little bit around Twitter, or simply go to my private folders related to them, to be able to only formulate one single answer in my mind.
"Simple. Because they are Miyazawa Sae and Akimoto Sayaka."
And with that thought in my mind, I will once again be able to peacefully fall asleep only to wake up to another day of doubts and pains. And I am... Quite fine with it.
